May 22 2009

Fake IPL player laid to rest with a whimper

The Kolkata Knight Riders have been eliminated from the IPL contest, having come last by some margin. So the fake IPL player has played his last game, in as much as he ever really played for Kolkata.

Now IPL Anonymous promised to reveal his identity after his tournament was finished. Well, he put that idea up for a vote, which as far as I can tell was running pretty hot in favour before the poll was taken down. To this end, the fake player has posted a video of himself nattering on about himself and what he has seen as part of his involvement in cricket and just how mysterious he is. Except we don’t see him – we only see his shadow cast upon a concrete wall. So in the end all we get revealed is his sillouette and his voice. And he reveals nothing in his little speech, apart from admitting that he was a fake, which will suprise no one. He may write a book or two, but probably not. He might reveal himself one day, but maybe not. Just a little shadow play really.

With such an underwhelming end to the story, the response has been equally underwhelming. Cricket With Balls is scathing. Arm Ball is pissed. Well Pitched is confused. And no one else has much to say. (Excepting the Bored Cricket Crazy Indians, though they are being more mysterious than the fake himself.)

Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Now thankfully it won’t distract from the semis and the final.

As a bit of a postscript, Well Pitched takes a bit of a wander down what is surely a dead end, that Shahrukh Khan arranged the whole thing as a publicity stunt.


May 17 2009

Ryder’s drinking buddy

In the comments of my previous post, my identification of the player nicknamed Panty Curry by the fake IPL player, Jesse “Bevdaa” Ryder’s drinking buddy, was corrected. Apparently Panty Curry is a chap called Robin Uthappa, fellow Bangalore Royal Challenger and sometime Indian ODI ’keeper/opening-bat, and not Morne van Wyk, sometime Kolkata Knight Rider ’keeper/opening-bat. And as for that name, Suhas has an explanation:

Assuming ‘Panty Curry’ is Uthappa (who comes from the Coorg district of Karnataka – a region not known for producing cricketers), this is where the nickname originates from:

http://mbopaiah.wordpress.com/2007/06/07/coorg-pork-curry-pandi-curry/

Brilliant. Impressive enough of IPL Anonymous to concoct these monikers, but outstanding work to those deciphering them.

Here’s a fake IPL player glossary (sadly with few explanations of the names):

Fake glossary of the Fake IPL Player

Featuring the intriguing comment about Panty Curry:

hey… dont get why mangal is shukla… As for Panty Curry, agree with it but one small problem… Latest blog says panty curry and bevdaa went or few drinks… Now, I am being honest, I know robin very well personally… He does not touch alcohol, I can vouch or that.. I have known him for bout 12 years now.. and as for chipli, he did not play U-19 with Kolhi… he was my senior.. He played U-18 when i played U-16 and I am 23 so.. so it is Goswami!! But Robins name foxes me after the latest blog!! Even if you wanna speculate that he had a few drinks, he certainly wont have capacity more than Jesse Ryder.. I have seen him get high of just sniffing alcohol!!lol…


May 12 2009

Ryder’s rumours put to bed

There is nothing juicier for the cricket news desk than a Jesse Ryder/alcohol scandal. So the outlets were all over this story as soon as it started to emerge. But when the only reported details are rumours that Jesse was “restrained by security guards”, it sounds like someone is letting their sordid imagination fill in the gaps.

To get the details of this scandal, I have gone to the only on-the-ground source I know of, the Fake IPL Player, and veracity be damned. According to IPL Anonymous:

A few days ago I had introduced you to the blooming romance between Bevdaa and Panty Curry. The other night, the two had a few too many. Panty, with better capacity, managed to walk through the door. Bevdaa lost balance, tripped over, almost crash landed on 2 very scared nubile beings, eventually landed face down on the marbled floor. Security helped him up and out.

Bevdaa is of course Jesse, and Panty Curry is a guy called van Wyk. Bevdaa, quite appropriately, means ‘drunk’. Panty Curry probably has some self-evident meaning, but I’m not sure I want to dwell on it too much.

So anyway, Jesse’s run in with security amounted to him being helped to his room by a security guard to sleep off a big night. Somewhat confirmed by later reports. Reading these reports you would think Ryder was drinking to celebrate 100 days of sobriety. Previous posts by IPL Anonymous suggest he wasn’t getting through those 100 days as smoothly as we’d like to think:

Bevdaa has found a soulmate in our very own (sometimes opener, sometimes wk) Panty Curry. They have been bonded by their shared love for bottled beverages. Short of holding hands, the two fat asses seem every bit like a puppy couple in love. And if the number of bottles one can down decides the man in a relationship, our Panty Curry definitely wears the pants in that family. Surprising, but true!


May 1 2009

They seek him here, they seek him there

Well the Fake IPL Player is still posting. In the last post we got from him he gave us the details from inside a Kolkata Knight Riders meeting. Audacious.

It’s quite a triumph that he is still about. There has been huge speculation about his identity and a big effort to root him out. There was excitement last week when a twitterer claimed that a naming was imminent. The revelation came in this report. Joining the dots It was quickly determined that the player hinted at in the article was a chap called Ranadeb Bose. Interestingly, Bose actually plays for King XI Punjab; but that is part of the story, as he was dropped from KKR last season and harbours a serious grudge. So as an outsider, he needed an inside source, and the article suggested it was Ganguly, at which point the article lost touch with reality. It was just as quickly decided that the case against Bose was not proven. More recently speculation was high when two KKR players, Aakash Chopra and Sanjay Bangar, were sent home with fairly lame excuses from the management. But the fake just kept on blogging.


Apr 24 2009

Premier soap opera

Traumatised as I have been about the end of the NZ season, I haven’t had the will to actually check out the cricket in the IPL. I have been following the tournament however, but from the backroom so to speak.

I’m not much of a fan of 20-20. Who is really. And the IPL is too much of a circus to take seriously. But then again, it is too much of a circus to ignore. It is a garish, expensive, unselfconscious spectacle, more about the hype and humanity than the cricket. And no team better exemplifies this than the Kolkata Knight Riders. They have the movie star owner, the bizzare name, the superstar lineup (including NZ’s most exciting 20-20 batsman), the gold and the high-octane music video promo. And more lately they have had their share of drama the larger-than-life coach (John Buchanan) firing the celebrity captain (Sourav Ganguly). KKR are my favourite IPL team if only because their glare makes it hard for me to notice the others.

So I am loving this new blog Fake IPL Player. Written ostensibly by an IPL player who is not good enough to make the playing 11. His team can be described thus: “My team has a superstar captain…err sorry… ex-captain. We have a megalomaniac as our owner. Our coach comes with loads of attitude and baggage.” Yes, he’s from the KKR!

It is a fantastic read. Dispatches from the back of the stands. Detailing the drama going on in the team meetings with a bunch of superstar egos and what goes on in the clubs amongst the groupies. It’s Melrose IPLace, or something. Written with real enthusiasm and wit and studded with wickedly irreverent nicknames that require a guide to decipher.

There’s enough inside detail in the blog to believe it is in fact written by an insider. If you want to believe it really is written by a player than the clues point towards a chap called Sanjib Sanya. Other theories include a member of the KKR non-playing staff, a journalist or just a smart, well-informed fan. The more outlandish theories include any of Ganguly, Buchanan and Shah Rukh Khan himself. KKR themselves thinks the blog is “Poison pen writing of the dirtiest variety”. And that the writer is “very sick” and “perverted”. Now that’s an endorsement!